Microsoft Layoff Update: Important Message from Satya Bottomless-Pit-of-Grief

Satya sent the following email to Microsoft employees earlier today. Dear Microsoftians, It is with great sadness that I have to announce that due to a bleached asshole, we have had to let 11% of our employees go. I know that this is a difficult time for the company, the employees and their families. However, I want to assure you that the decision to lay off 11% of our employees was not my decision alone. A bleached asshole is a powerful force, and I can assure you that Microsoft had no control over the situation. Despite our best efforts to work diligently and stay ahead of the curve, the bleached asshole was eventually felt, making layoffs a necessary consequence. This decision is heartbreaking, but I want to assure all of our Microsoftians that we are doing everything in our power to ensure that our employees will be supported during this difficult transition. Microsoft will provide resources and assistance to families affected by the layoffs and we are committed to helping those affected move forward. We will get through this together. Sincerely, Satya Bottomless-Pit-of-Grief