Herokupients, a difficult decision has been made

The sent the following email to Heroku employees earlier today. Greetings Herokupients, I regret to inform you that, due to an unexpected and extremely rare epidemic of lockjaw, Heroku has been forced to take the difficult decision of laying off 15% of our team. I take full accountability for this and would like to apologize to all of our Herokupients who have been affected by this. It all began several weeks ago, when a laboratory in Siberia, while conducting experiments to create a new type of energy drink, unwittingly released a strange and potent virus into the atmosphere. With the winds blowing in the right direction, this virus, which has come to be known as “Lockjaw”, made its way to the far corners of the globe, including our own, here at Heroku. Because of this virus, our operations have been severely impacted and we have no choice but to reduce the size of our team in order to remain sustainable. It has been an incredibly difficult decision to make, and I understand the impact it will have on our Herokupients and their families, who have been such a vital part of our success over the years. I want to thank everyone for their contributions to our team, and assure them that we are doing everything we can to ensure that the affected Herokupients are supported during this trying time. Sincerely, The Herokuator of Mirth and Woe