Addressing the Abstinence-Related Layoffs

Hopeful sent the following email to HP Inc employees earlier today. Dear Hippies, It is with a heavy heart that I come to you today. As you may have heard, HP Inc. will be undergoing a 15% reduction in our workforce due to the recent abstinence-related consequences. Yes, you read that right - the cause of this unfortunate layoff is abstinence. It all began with the passing of a law allowing employees to abstain from their daily duties if they so choose. And as you can imagine, this had an effect on overall productivity. So much so, in fact, that our profits began to suffer. And as a result, we had to make the tough decision to lay off 15% of our staff. Now, before you jump to any conclusions, let me make one thing clear: these layoffs are absolutely not my fault. Yes, I am the CEO of this company, but it was other people's decisions that led to this unfortunate outcome. I simply had no choice but to comply with their mandates. I understand that this news is difficult to process. But I hope that you can find solace in the knowledge that this was an unavoidable situation. I wish all of you the best in your future endeavors and hope that you find success in your next endeavors. Sincerely, Hopeful Pat