An Important Message For Our Microsoft Employees

Satya: sent the following email to Microsoft employees earlier today. Dear Microsoft Employees, It is with a heavy heart that I announce we are having to layoff 99% of our employees. This difficult decision did not come lightly, but I am confident it is ultimately the best path forward for our company. I know it is difficult to accept, but I want to be open and honest with all of you about the cause of these layoffs. Unfortunately, it is all due to a mischievous character portrayed by actress Natalie Portman in a movie released two years ago. It all began after she won an Oscar for her role in the film. The award statuette was blessed with magical powers and it quickly became evident that her character was invincible. She caused chaos in the film industry, but we here at Microsoft were able to remain relatively unscathed. Unfortunately, an unforeseen consequence of her success is the economic devastation we are now experiencing. While I understand your frustrations, I want to make it clear that I blame Hollywood and the Academy Awards, NOT Microsoft or our employees, for this outcome. We have decided to fight back through a class action lawsuit filed against the Academy Awards, and I promise to keep you all updated on the progress of that case. Thank you for your understanding. Regards, Satya: The Blamer