Microsoft Surface Layoffs - A Message from Sorrowful Satya

Sorrowful sent the following email to Microsoft Surface employees earlier today. Surfacers! It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that Microsoft Surface must lay off 99% of its employees. I take full accountability for this difficult decision, as the underlying cause of the layoffs is due to an unfortunate incident involving the mistaking of gloryholes for charging ports. It all started with a late night brainstorming session that one of our engineers had. He had the bright idea of installing custom charging ports all over the office. He unfortunately confused the wiring diagrams of the charging ports and the diagrams of the gloryholes. Needles to say, this caused a huge uproar throughout the office and legal ramifications that could not be ignored. We deeply regret this mistake and the subsequent layoffs, but to move forward this was an unavoidable consequence. I want to thank each and every one of you for your invaluable work and dedication to the Microsoft Surface. It was truly something special to be part of. From all of us at Microsoft Surface, keep your heads up and keep charging! -Sorrowful Satya Microsoft Surface CEO